Monday, October 10, 2011

Weird Al Davis vs. Lane Kiffin

I mean, come on, Al vs. Lane? That’s a no brainer.

Lol. (By the way, UvT will continue to get stronger as we continue to master these silly web tools, ok? This shit is like when the Evil Empire was finishing off that Death Star. Bout to really demonstrate our power, blow some shit up!)

Here’s why I side with Al Davis here and like I said, it wasn’t even close:

1. Al’s speech was hot.

First of all, I don’t know where that accent comes from, but I like it. “Da Raidahs” just sounds right. Then that “I’m dismissing him with cause” was really hot rhetoric, irrespective of the facts surrounding their business relationship.

Say what you want, but hittin any cat, much less young Lane, with that real boss man, “punk, you aint gone get paid and YES, I’m aware of your legal rights as well as MINE as your employer. Now beat it.” Hey, call me a dick, but I just like shit like that. But then again, I did always root for the villains when I used to watch the cartoons as a kid. Lol. But Old Mayne Al didn’t stop there:

“Then Lane asked me, ‘does that mean I don’t git paid’ and I said, “that’s what it means”. haaaaa Whoooooo we. Wow and all this was said during a press conference! Dead up for all to hear. There was more, “I realized that you did not want to draft DeMarcus Russell” I mean, dude, Al went HARD at Lane.

Holy shit!

2. Lane’s name invalidates his fitness to lead men on any field.

Sorry, but dude’s name is “Lane” which is a fine name for a dude sippin on a sensitive spot of tea, but not exactly what you want for your head coach. lol. Sorry, homey (and I’m speaking to another famous Lane I know well right now) but you know it’s true.

I know, I know, cats named Reed, Blaine, Sage, Chord, Dane and yes, even LAKE, are hard as shit, made for that gridiron. I know…ha.

3. Lane kept talking about what his wife thought in his response to Al’s accusations.

Your wife? What, your daughter wasn’t available for comment? I don’t give a hot damn what your boo wifey has to say about your failure to meet your contractual obligation as head football coach erer Al Davis’ alleged lies.

Though I do appreciate how his lady has kept it sexy slim with two kiddies in tow. Definitely Milf’d out. But is it too much to ask mothers to put some shoes on their kids? Lil girl is looking like Britney coming back from a Starbucks/long dack bender. Anyway, why is this cat talking about what his wife knows?

It’s not like she’s in the huddle. It’s not like she’s at team meetings. This aint intramurals! I mean, she only knows what you tell her.

Meaning, it’s a Lil Wayne special, ie. “Like a bitch with no ass she aint got shit!“ Ya dig?

4. He’s Al Davis, you’re not.

Ok, Al may dress up like your once hipster grandpa, may have the neck piece, teeff-a-sis and hair style of Mumrah, the Ever Living — wait, let me just say that I am a big Mumrah guy and because I am, he’s about to get top billing on this site.

Peep how hot Mumrah came out each show. I mean, if the Raiders had some of that Al Davis/Mumrah spirit, they’d probably be above .500. Intern, run my shit!

Meaning he shouldn’t have ever gotten that job to begin with, he performed terribly and worst of all, the more he talks the worse you feel about his general competence. Which brings us to my finally issue with Lane:

5. Lane looks soft as all hell.

Come on. This cat just looks like a lil bitch. Ha. It’s just as plain as that. And I mean that in all sincerity. Homey does not look like a head coach and it’s not just because of his age. I mean, stop using the magic shave.

Put something in your head and not on it.

And just stand up straight and look the damn part! All soft and shit. This cat looks like some high school coordinator or something, not the Head Coach of the legendary Oakland Raiders!!! Geez.

In closing, this post should serve as my open letter to young Lane Kiffin. Lane, football is a game played by men. Toughen up, stop crying on the tv like a lil beeyatch, know your role, tuck in that bottom lip, pull up them shoes and take your medicine like a man! Besides, you got $4 million over two years which was probably $3,900,000 more than you deserved. Just play it cool and cry your ass to the bank, ok?

I know, you’re scared that Al is going to run you out of the league and fail to pay you the balance of your contract. But let’s face it, that’s probably where you should be anyway. Still, calling a Hall of Fame legend a “liar” aint helping anything homey. Al may be crazy, but he’s a legitimate cat. You’re anything but. Know you role and shut your mouth.

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